HMR Forced to Close “HairBook” Social Media Network

It was a simple idea with a simple premise – The Facebook of Hair. Now, after posting 13bn dollars worth of net losses, Hair Metal Radio has been forced to close their own personal social media network, HairBook.

“I really thought it was gonna work,” said HMR bassist Jizzy Straddlin via Skype from his family’s rural trailer home. “After multiple consecutive conversations with my mother, grandmother, and several other blood-related business partners, I simply could not see how this could fail.”

Coming out of the gate with their tired slogan, “Bigger Than Jesus and Also Too Big to Fail” HMR seemed to have a business plan based on sheer bravado and hairspray. Initial murmurs on Wall Street indicated some interest from investors who also played in 80’s-themed cover bands, but interest dropped sharply when HMR guitarist Jimi Van Whalen declared to Al Roker on The Today Show that “We intend to spend all the money testing hair care products on endangered species. And cocaine.”

For those unfamiliar with HairBook, it was very simple – every post was just a close up shot of someone’s hair. Trouble began quickly for the band when no one could tell from what part of the body the hair was photographed. “That was totally our intention,” said Jizzy. “Hair Metal Radio isn’t just about head hair. It’s about all body hair. If we really want to redefine the genre of Hair Metal, we need to redefine the boundaries of hair itself.” After several FBI investigations it was determined that nearly all of the 60,000 posts on the social media site were various shots of Jizzy Straddlin’s back, shoulder, and butt hair. No charges were filed but the FBI did release a press statement saying, “That’s gross,” and “please stop doing that.”

HMR drummer Nikki Stix was unsurprised by the news. “Whatever.” was the only answer he gave when pressed multiple times for an interview quote. When we asked Nikki Stix why he didn’t have a profile on HairBook he just leaned to one side and silently pointed to his ass.

Although we did not request a quote from HMR lead singer Axl Sinatra, he proceeded to launch into a babbling tirade that somehow devolved into an acapella performance of Journey’s rockin’ hit “Don’t Stop Believin.” Several onlookers joined in and, to this reporter’s surprise, Axl had somehow formed a fully functional flash mob in front of the JCPenny’s where he works during the day as a mannequin.

When asked about the $13bn in losses, HMR guitarist Jimi Van Whalen said, “Yea, that seems about right.”