HMR Interviews: Jizzy Straddlin’

Bert Loder here for HMR News. I recently interviewed none other than defamed Hair Metal Radio bassist Jizzy Straddlin’ from the comfort of his family’s shared mobile home trailer. Before we begin, I must make an editorial note… When I arrived, Jizzy asked me if he could take a shower as I interviewed him. Because the bathroom in his family’s trailer is so small, I was forced to conduct the interview while seated on the toilet – a first for my journalistic career. According to Jizzy it was, quote, “My day to use the terlit.”

The interview follows below.

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How and when did you come to join Hair Metal Radio (HMR)?

I’m actually the third or fourth bassist for HMR, if you include all the times Jimi played both bass and guitar at the same time while on stage. It’s not that he’s super talented, bass is just that easy. Their first bassist was King Kong? Apparently they taught a gorilla to play bass, which is pretty metal. Then their second bassist, I don’t know too much about him but their third bassist was Jimi and I guess when he got tired of being ignored like all bassists are, he told the band to help find a bass player.

So I was working at Terner’s Liquor on the Sunset Strip when Nikki came in one night and just went, “Ay, gimmie all da beers.” I started talking at him about music while I loaded literally every case of beer we owned into the school bus he parked behind the store. Without saying anything he handed me a flyer that said his band needed a bassist. I wanted to quit my job and go drink all that beer with him, and I figured that as a Canadian he could only get a little drunk from an entire bus full of American beer, so I asked to share some of the beer. He grunted and pointed at the bus, then we hopped on and just took off.

Wait… Shit, I think I just admitted to robbing Terner’s with Nikki. Can you leave that part out?

No. What is your primary role in the band, according to you?

Pretty much I just jump when Jimi jumps, and I flop my hair around, I jiggle in places most people don’t, I fluff Jimi’s hair when it’s getting flat and I remind Axl what the lyrics are. He’s had so many head injuries… I think you personally reported on like five of them? Oh and sometimes I point at Nikki, but it’s more in astonishment that he’s even there, like “Wow, holy shit! A drummer!” I don’t have any drums going into my in-ear monitors. All I hear is my bass and my vocals all night.

What is your primary role in the band according to the rest of the band?

I don’t fucking know. Go ask them, you dipshit.

What so far is your favorite memory of being in HMR?

Can you hand me my razor? It’s on the sink. Is it cool if I shave? Don’t ask me what I’m shaving. Did you ask me another question yet?

Yes. Here’s your razor. I asked you, what so far is your favorite memory of being in HMR?

Oh. Uh. I don’t care. Can that be my answer? Shit, I’m out of shampoo…

This is your interview, Mr. Straddlin’, you may answer how you choose.

I mean, nothing cool ever happens unless I do it. Jimi makes all those fuckin’ guitar noises and people get drunk and dance, the only cool shit is the shit I do. Like screaming into a mic and making faces or pelvic thrusting my bass so hard I break a string. I mean, I guess the stage lights look ok sometimes? [Jizzy belches audibly] I sincerely do not fucking understand what the fuck you’re even asking me right now. I might be drunk, I’ve had like 6 shower beers in here already.

Describe a time when band turmoil took it’s toll on your personal or professional life.

The reason I live in a trailer with my family is because the rest of my band wouldn’t stop screwing my 19 hot sisters, most of whom are twins who like dancing on the hoods of cars. I had to move home to shoo the band away with a broom from time to time, like horny possums. So that pissed me off, because I used to live in an abandoned mansion in Beverly Hills.

Oh, and one bandmate, who shall remain nameless, kept trying to bang both my mom and my dad, which is super messed up because my dad’s still in a medically-induced coma and my mom is around 752 lbs now after vag barfing all those kids out. I love my bandmates but those guys have no, like, sense of propriety or whatever.

Can you share anything about your family history with us?

I think I just did. Hell dude, some of the band guys might be my sisters’ dads, I don’t fucking know.

What is your favorite HMR album so far?

Fartknuckler. Absolutely Fartknuckler. I really feel like we hit our niche on that album. Critics said it sounded like we just played our previous album, Whoregasmatron, in reverse order (which we did) but for me Fartknuckler was really the defining point of my career. I feel like, for me, that Fartknuckler was the album on which I went from being a Jason Newstead to being a Bob Rock in terms of my bass playing skills. Your readers who are both bassists and Metallica fans will love that reference.

I can assure you that no one will love that reference. Fans ask you a lot of questions, give us a question you’d like to ask the fans that they can answer in the comments section.

You want me to ask them a question?

Yes.

K. Can I borrow a dollar?

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Well, that wraps up part one of our four part “HMR Interviews” series.  Inexplicably, Jizzy smelled worse getting out of the shower than he did going in. It’s a good thing I was sitting on his family’s communal toilet, because when he stepped out of the shower, let’s just say the sight alarmed me to the point of having an involuntary bowel movement. Another first for my journalistic career.

Next time we will be speaking with legendary HMR drummer and one-time liquor store robber Nikki Stix. Stay tuned, Hair Metal Radio fans!