HMR Interviews: Nikki Stix

Hello HMR fans old and new! Bert Loder here with another Hair Metal Radio EXCLUSIVE interview! The delay for this posting was due to the fact that I had to hike the barren Canadian tundra to reach the wintery home of Hair Metal Radio drummer Nikki Stix all the way up in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

Although there are several airports within driving distance of Nikki’s residence, the band would only pay to fly me to their friend Lloyd’s house located in the Cypress Hills. From there I had to rely on a few sherpas and a couple stop at the local Esso gas stations as my only sustenance on the journey to the reclusive drummer’s self-built, log cabin abode. He was forced to build the cabin after both he and bassist Jizzy Straddlin were evicted from the Los Angeles warehouse in which they were previously squatting.

The wintery trip would be worth it, I reminded myself while knee deep in snow drifts. Nikki Stix has never given a personal one-on-one interview in his entire career, and only once did he even utter a single phrase during a Hair Metal Radio interview – In 1985 a rabid female fan interrupted a backstage MTV Canada interview of the band. The hysterical groupie grabbed Nikki’s stick, at which point Nikki simply leaned over and stated, “Don’t do that,” in a husky baritone. To this day that is the only time Nikki has been filmed speaking on camera.

As the log cabin neared, I prepared myself for an interview that I knew would be legendary. Once I thawed out, we began the interview in his spacious living room, seated on an enormous sectional with an even more enormous coffee table in front of it. Our conversation follows below.

—

How and when did you come to join Hair Metal Radio (HMR)?

*Nikki leans forward and silently points to a contract from Gephen Records*

Ah, yes, I remember covering this. Mr. Richard Head Gephen recruited you personally after a failed audition, correct? 

*Nikki nods and takes a bite of his Pemmican snack*

And you’ve been with the band ever since? 

*Nikki nods*

Ok Mr. Stix, I’m going to stop asking you yes or no questions so we have a chance to speak candidly. I hiked a long way to get here and I have incredibly bad gas from all the Esso gas station food on the way here…

*Nikki interrupts me and thrusts a bite of Pemmican in my face*

No, thank you. Now, can we continue?

*Nikki nods*

OK, I assure you that will be my final yes or no question… Now, what is your primary role in the band, according to you?

*Nikki raises a finger as if to say “Wait right here.” He saunters into the back of his cabin and returns a moment later holding two of his signature Balsam Poplar sticks, made from the same local wood as his signature drum kit. He lays them on the coffee table, also Balsam Poplar, then sits on the couch, kicks his feet up again and continues eating his dinner, which appears to consist of nothing more than leftover poutine and the aforementioned Pemmican*

What is your primary role in the band according to the rest of the band?

*He points to the drum sticks on the coffee table*

…Sigh. What so far is your favorite memory of being in HMR?

*His eyebrows lift excitedly from behind his giant aviator-style sunglasses, he dives under his giant CRT television set and jams a VHS tape into his dual-deck VCR. After some random mechanical noises a video begins to play on the TV of the MTV Canada interview where a female fan tried to steal his stick. Suddenly, from behind me, I hear a female voice from Nikki’s kitchen*

Female Voice: “Oh this again? Nikki, you ol’ romantic, d’ya always gotta bring that out when we got company?”

Why hello, Missus Stix! I was unaware you were present! Do you, too, have a fond memory of this video?

Mrs. Stacey Stix: “Fond memory? Honey, that’s me stealing his drum stick! How do you think we met?”

But… you must’ve been about 15 years old in that video and Nikki was at least 30 at the time.

Mrs. Stix: “We’re Canadians, sweetie! The age of consent was much, much lower back then! Besides, we’re happily married now aren’t we, dollface?”

*Nikki smiles wide, nods, then thrusts his empty plates at his wife, all without diverting his attention from the VHS playing on his piece of crap Canadian television set*

Thank you very much for your input, Mrs. Stix. Now, getting back to our interview… Nikki, please describe a time when band turmoil took it’s toll on your personal or professional life.

*Nikki and Mrs. Stix each shoot each other a concerned look*

Mrs. Stix: “Look Bert, we’re happy to have you as a guest in our home but Canadian customs dictate that we just ain’t comfortable talkin’ about that kinda stuff… unless we’re shit tanked, of course!”

It would appear Nikki “ain’t” comfortable talkin’ about any kinda stuff…

*Nikki shoots me a stern look from over his aviator sunglasses*

Mrs. Stix: “Now Bert, don’t go gettin’ all ‘Los Angeles’ on us with that kinda backtalkin’ attitude. Nikki invited you all the way up here, the least you can do is honor our asinine, Canadian backwoods customs!”

You’re right, I apologize Mrs. Stix. Moving on… oh you’re not going to like this next question. Ahem, can you share anything about your family history with us?

*Nikki clears his throat, leans over and pulls a family photo album out from under his coffee table. He opens it and pushes it toward me. There is but a single picture in the entire album. The photo is Nikki standing atop his drums, fireworks shooting out from behind him, his drum sticks crossed over his head, his mouth open, tongue out, and his sunglasses gleaming. The other members of Hair Metal Radio are in “rock poses” in front of his drum kit. From my peripheral vision I see a single, wistful tear fall from behind Nikki’s sunglasses, the same ones he is wearing in the photo. The permanent marker on the bottom of the Polaroid photo reads “1982 first HMR gig.” Inexplicably, Axl Sinatra looks older in this photo than he looks today*

I can see this memory means a lot to you. I won’t dwell on it. Now then, what is your favorite HMR album so far?

*Nikki points to a vinyl copy of Hair Metal Radio’s “Numb Nuts Casserole” concept album that is standing up next to his record player*

Yes! I recall this album! This was the one that was the rock opera that was told solely through the art of the drum solo, correct? 

*Nikki nods proudly*

And how many Grammys did this album win again?

*Nikki points over toward his mantle, where no Grammys reside.*

…Hmm, that’s odd, Nikki. I remember this winning at least a…

*Nikki lowers his finger to the fireplace, where two Grammys are burning in the fire*

Oh. Two Grammys! Alright. And now my final question: How do you respond to rumors that fellow Canuck and acclaimed drummer Neal Peart is your biological father?

Nikki: Those are vicious rumors.

—

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Breaking a decades long silence, by the end of our interview I successfully got Nikki Stix to utter another single phrase during an interview! “Those are vicious rumors,” is likely to go down in catchphrase history alongside such other timeless gems as “Where’s the beef?” and “Make Canada great again!”

Our next interview features me flying to Van Nuys, CA to interview one of the best living guitarists today… Eddie Van Halen! Oops, I mean, Jimi Van Whalen! Until next time HMR fans, this is Bert Loder and THIS… is Hair Metal Radio!