HMR BREAKING NEWS!

Bassist Jizzy Straddlin’ was hospitalized late last night after suffering complete tongue paralysis due to overuse of the word fuck. Dr. Peter “Scrote” Johnson, an otolaryngologist at the prestigious Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN said, “I’ve never seen a tongue as twisted as Jizzy’s. His mouth looks like it was used as a lethal weapon, both cunningly and lingually.” The doctor had no estimate on how long his recovery would take and suggested Jizzy learn more than just one word in sign language. That word was also fuck.

By all accounts, this was well overdue. “Some of the words he uses… sheesh.” Said lead singer Axl Sinatra via phone. “We actually tried to baptize his microphone and it just stopped working, that’s how bad his language is.”

Fans have sent Jizzy no get well cards and no condolences, as he plays bass and people wonder why he’s given a microphone at all, or not just replaced with a synthesizer on a loop like Van Halen did to Michael Anthony in the 80’s.

This is Bert Loder reporting for Hair Metal Radio news.